Flipping the script
There is a myriad of buzzwords we have heard since the start of the pandemic. Some that come to mind are unprecedented, challenging, and new normal. This tired list could continue as long as we allow. However, words truly worth discussing include resilience, empowerment, and transformations. These words laced my conversation with two sensational women, Stacy and Mai. They are both mothers, professionals, wives, podcasters, and women of faith who are courageously imagining their futures post-pandemic and using their experience to help others do so.
Stacy and Mai are colleagues at the same federal agency. Like so many of us, they found themselves engaging in conversations about topics that 2020 compelled us to sit with and discuss. Not only this, but their friendship grew into a sisterhood. They developed a support system through the challenges that the pandemic presented. The conversations they were having were transformative, “…they felt like therapy,” explained Stacy. They believed that if the conversations they were having about womanhood, motherhood, mental health, physical health, social and racial justice, and relationships were helping one another, they could help others as well. In January 2021, along with their other friend and colleague Katie, they took their voices to the world of podcasting, and they launched, “The Fem Collective.”
The genesis of The Fem Collective is an important story to tell, because more often than not, women’s friendships, debates, and disagreements are not shown in a positive light. On the podcast, Stacy, Mai, and Katie engage in lively discussions about tough topics. They agree, disagree, and debate. They come out of their discussions on the other side with a better understanding of one another and a new perspective. The stereotype that women simply can’t engage in healthy conflict is only supported by reality shows, movies, and the general human propensity to gossip. These three women are breaking stereotypes by providing engaging and spirited content to inspire others, and especially those who identify as women. One of the more remarkable aspects of the podcast is that it is very evident they are bringing their full truth and their authentic selves to each episode. When listening, it feels like you are having coffee with a group of your closest friends. The conversation with Stacy and Mai about their 2020 journey felt very much the same, and it was truly an honor to hear their stories.
Entering 2020, Stacy was getting back into the swing of balancing motherhood, and her career. She had recently given birth to her second son and returned to work in September 2019. This was a very challenging period in her life and sometimes she felt as if she was going through the motions. She did everything necessary to support and nurture her children but this was very overwhelming to manage while also working a full-time job. Like so many women, Stacy experienced postpartum depression after the birth of her son. While returning to a work routine helped this somewhat, looking back, she can see that there were still several emotions she hadn’t yet been able to cope with. When the pandemic began to unfold she simply didn’t have the capacity for it. Stacy explained that the news of a global pandemic felt like a very abrupt interruption of life, “I really felt like I had nothing left. I said, ‘What do you mean now there is a pandemic???’”
Mai and her family had spent 2019 seeing family and traveling, and they were fortunate enough to celebrate her grandmother’s 80th birthday. In 2020, Mai and her family had plans to move, and her children were about to start elementary school. They wanted to spend more quality time with their children, as most working parents only spend a few hours with their children a day– they were no exception to this pervasive reality. They were beginning to see their children’s personalities develop and they wanted to soak in as much as they could and spend more time with them. Mai jokingly said, “Lo and behold, March 2020 happened and the Lord answered that prayer!” As much as Mai and her husband were thankful for the gift of more time with their children, this was not exactly how they had imagined it. An impactful moment for Mai was realizing the challenge of explaining the state of the world to her children. She had to try and help her children understand why they said bye to their friends at school one day and never got to go back. There were no answers for parents to give their kids, and children were forced to reconcile with having no answers.
Stacy and Mai discussed the level of pressure they felt as working parents. While the pandemic has been a difficult experience for everyone, it has been especially challenging for parents. Stacy explained that not only was there an additional layer of adversity present when you have children during an impactful period like a pandemic, but there are also sub-layers depending on how old your children are. The difficulties they are facing are different whether one is trying to entertain a toddler while facilitating a zoom call, or supporting a teenager who is not able to attend milestone life events such as a homecoming football game or prom. On top of this external pressure, most parents were, and are still expected to, work full-time. Mai explained that she didn’t realize it until she no longer had it, but she relied on her work commute to allow her time to switch gears from “mom mode” to “work mode.” There was no longer time to transition and no longer boundaries between the two modus operandi. It felt impossible for them and so many mothers and parents; it was a whirlwind of change, interruption, and adjustments. More specifically for Stacy and Mai, the pressure to be a perfect mom while also being a successful businesswoman was insurmountable. Most women would agree there is an indecipherable force that tugs at them. The origin of this force can be found in history, media, and societal pressure. It makes us believe that we need to be perfect, we need to be able to do it all and make it look easy. The pandemic emboldened this force that tells us to be perfect by complicating everyday life to an unrecognizable degree. The strain of this gravely affected Mai and Stacy, and their mental health. “I couldn’t be 100% at both, and that’s what I wanted to be,” explained Stacy.
Acknowledging the layers of compounding challenges that Stacy and Mai were experiencing leads to another word that deserves our attention, intersectionality. Stacy and Mai not only faced the complexity of being working mothers during a pandemic, but they are also women of color. Stacy and her husband are black, Mai is Dominican, and she is married to an African American man. When Stacy was asked what the most impactful moment of 2020 was for her, she described what she went through watching the coverage of George Floyd. “Tears were just running down my face,” she went on to say, “I already know a lot about the trauma of black men, and what they deal with, and how they are targeted, but this was in your face, and we were watching it in almost real-time.”
As the countless videos and media coverage surfaced and rapidly spread, Mai remembers seeing a cloud form over her husband’s head. Her typically calm and friendly husband transformed into someone that she didn’t recognize as the pessimism he was experiencing became unbearable. An exact number of how many times footage of George Floyd’s murder was shared or watched was difficult to find, but we all know that overwhelming and terrifying video was, everywhere. Every social media site, every news channel, and every screen we owned played that video. Black and African American folks were witnessing people who look like them murdered in the media every day, yet they continued life and work as usual to try and maintain some form of normalcy and support their livelihood. Stacy was constantly interrupted by people at work or in her personal life asking questions, or simply stating they had no idea this was something that was happening, she said, “It was hard to talk about, but it was also very encouraging to see so many white people who were starting to recognize it.” Mai recalls about her husband, “I knew that I could only help him so much because I didn’t know the weight of what he was carrying each day.”
The layers of compounded stress during the pandemic that Stacy, Mai, and their families experienced are hard to capture in words. A long road of having the tough conversations, going to therapy, praying, and taking the small steps necessary are what led Stacy, Mai, and their families to the other side of their adversity; a place where the sun shines brighter, self-love is abundant and their relationships with their families and with God are stronger than have been ever before. The motivation and joy that filled our conversation while Stacy and Mai spoke about how they are living today, versus how they were living during 2020, was electrifying. Not only have they launched their podcast, but they also have accomplished personal goals.
For Mai, overall well-being took center stage. She and her family realized they were so hyper-focused on the virus to the point they were sacrificing other things like physical health, church, and mental health. Mai eloquently reminds us, “Focus on what you can control, and protect your peace. Don’t let other things have so much power over you that they allow you to get away from who you truly are.”
Stacy realized, “I was not walking in the life I wanted to.” She found that even the smallest things can have a monumental impact on your well-being. She emphasizes that healing can start with something simple, like going for a walk outside, and feeling the sunshine. She found her staples, such as establishing a self-care routine and spending time with God. Through this experience, Stacey encourages, “You can get to a place where you are anchored. There will be multiple storms in your life, and you can still be anchored.”
The stories of these women are resilient, empowering, and transformative. By taking a page from their book, we all can make these words a part of not only our vocabulary but our everyday life.
*These statements do not directly reflect the stance of any United States Government entity.*
Left: Stacy, her husband, and their children. Right: Mai, her husband, and their children
